My husband and I lost 3 infants before birth:
Jessica Grace, Jacob Matthew and Charity Ann. We lost Jessica Grace in January 2000, my millenium baby. We'd been trying to conceive and were devastated when we miscarried. I turned to God and grieved heavily for a week, then tried to move on with my life. At Easter that year, I was still depressed and missing my girl. Gary and I sat in bed drinking coffee when he said something I'll never forget. He said, "Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. We've been looking at it from our perspective and not God's. You know, He knew before He created Jessica that she was only destined to live on this earth a few short weeks. Of all the parents throughout all of history that He could've chosen for her, He chose us. He knew we'd love her and not forget her." That was a major turning point in my grief! It was a mini Easter resurrection in my life.
The next major turning point was almost 2 years later, after losing Jacob Matthew and Charity Ann. It was November and through the readings of the Catholic Church, I was reflecting on the end of time and about Heaven. I realized that this life is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. I'm separated from my children for now, but truly, what is 50-60 years apart compared with all eternity that I'll have to hold them and kiss them?
A year or so later we carried a healthy baby boy to full term; he is very full of life! We pray together often as a family and always end that time with Michael's prayer: "Jessica, Jacob and Charity, please pray for us. We love you and we will see you soon."
The next major turning point was almost 2 years later, after losing Jacob Matthew and Charity Ann. It was November and through the readings of the Catholic Church, I was reflecting on the end of time and about Heaven. I realized that this life is just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. I'm separated from my children for now, but truly, what is 50-60 years apart compared with all eternity that I'll have to hold them and kiss them?
A year or so later we carried a healthy baby boy to full term; he is very full of life! We pray together often as a family and always end that time with Michael's prayer: "Jessica, Jacob and Charity, please pray for us. We love you and we will see you soon."
A few odds and ends of what has helped me with the grief . .
- Remember, men and women grieve differently; all people grieve differently! Be patient with yourself and others involved.
- Name your child. It feels so good to call them each by their name, to write their names and hear their names aloud. They are real people, as real as you and I; not a figment of your imagination, as I wondered on my darkest days.
- Journal. I write letters to God and am pretty specific with how I feel or what I think. He can take it; He knows it anyway, we may as well talk about it!
- Mementos. I wanted a special teddy bear for my children (I'd planned for the nursery to have a teddy bear theme). I chose the Beanie Baby angel bears and actually found a different version for each child, including the son still living with me. I also kept some of the early baby gifts I was given. If your child was born, you may have more choices: birth and death certificates, a lock of hair, a blanket.
- Plant a tree. After my first miscarriage, my siblings gave us a small houseplant that is now very large, and very special to me.
- Time and grace heal wounds. Time alone won't do it; you will never forget this child. With prayer and support, with God's grace, the memories aren't quite so painful and then gratitude for some of it will come.
- Talk about it. I've been amazed at how many others have lost a baby. Many don't know how to talk about it, but when opportunities come up, go for it. Healing may come for more than just you.
- Pray with others who've experienced a similar loss. That's why I organized the Lost Infant Mass at our parish: I needed it and others have been blessed through the years as well.